2 months so many ups, so many downs,so many changes yet everything's the same.

I am very much a slacker when it comes to this blog, and for that I apologize. As I sit outside this beautiful Sunday summer evening I decide it's time to write.

A lot has gone on since we last chatted. I have been on metformin for my pcos which is suppose to help with balancing sugars out and everything else hormonal that is wrong with me. This pill the first week was not so bad, and I thought that my best friend must have been crazy for telling me that if I was not careful with what I ate I would be paying for it later....boy was she right!! Week one was easy peasy, week two, forget it! I had doubled up my dosage from 500mg to 1000mg which does not sound like a lot, but let me tell you, these little pills mean business.

After being soo sick I cut back  down to one pill of 500mg, and stayed that way for a month. Yes Mindy you won that one, you were right! My body was not used to this strong medicine. I am now on 1000mg and will be working up to 1500mg in about a month.

So thanks to the progesterone I was given, my period came on Easter Sunday, April 20th, which I took as a sign that things were moving in the right direction, which they seemed to be, then came May 10th, the anniversary of my best friends death, and ultimately the day I ovulated. I also took this as a sign that my friend Anthony was sending me signs from above that it was go time to conceive and that everything would be fine.

After we did the deed, I waited the two weeks to test, well two weeks came and with minimal pink reddish spotting we tested and it was negative, and has remained that way ever since. This pcos has taken me on a wild ride. No period since April and not pregnant. Hoping the July visit to the reproductive endocrinologist will give us more options, jump start my period, so we can go for our first and hopefully very successful first IUI and end up pregnant with out rainbow baby!

What people don't tell you when you decide you want to try for a baby......

Like many other couples out there I was on birth control for many years (10+) for many different reasons. So when my husband and I got engaged and as our wedding day approached, we decided to stop birth control, and under the advice of my doctor, she said it would take a couple of months for my body and cycles to readjust. The first few months following me getting off the pill, my body seemed to respond very well, period came every 28 days like clock work, and I thought this wasn't so bad!! I thought that with using Ovulation Predictor Kits or (OPKS),we would catch the surge and we would have our baby in no time. 

Well the fall of 2013 things changed, my periods were coming longer than usual and sometimes in the range of 30-35 days. Then December came, the undoing of it all! December 16th  I was woken up in the middle of the night by cramps, which is usually how I know Aunt Flow(AF) has arrived, the first day an a half I had awful cramps which was usual, but for some reason this month it was really light, and lasted only 5 days. I wish I would have known that this was going to be the beginning of heartache and a longer journey to starting our family.

January came and went and no AF, February came with the same result, and March had the same fate. During these three months of this new year, my husband insisted I was pregnant and that I was one of those women that didn't get a positive when peeing on a stick. So I went for blood work and nothing. Then the middle of March I went to my OBGYN to find out what was going on... a ton of blood work and a week later I got news that would change my life forever. 

I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), and was told to come in next week to talk about treatments and options. That week of waiting was the longest of my life. I was given a whole pharmacy of medicines to take, I asked how long it would take us to get pregnant and she basically told me don't expect to get pregnant for the next 6 months to a year. I asked for an internal ultrasound and she denied it saying "I didn't need it, and it wouldn't show anything."  I cried in the office thinking this was it. Why ME? Why us? I had beat HPV, CIN I and CIN II, two colposcopies, and one LEEP! Why is God doing this to us? I thought I had been through so much that this would be easy.

I am now taking progesterone or provera which screws up my emotions and hormones six ways from sunday, waiting for a period to hopefully come. Once it does come the two fertility clinics I am working with will give me my ultrasound, tube flush, and more blood work. I just want the pills to do what they are suppose to do because I feel down right awful. I cry at a drop of a hat, I'm always tired, I am bloated, and feel like general crap. Today I am meeting with an Reproductive Endocrinologist(RE) to hopefully get a better game plan started. 

My husband doesn't understand why I feel so awful or for that much really care, the only thing he wants is SEX!!! Let me tell you, with these pills, sex is the last thing on my mind, just the thought of it right now makes me cringe. Which everyone says is normal and that when my period comes I will feel much better. I really hope so because I can't go on feeling this way anymore. I am generally not this sad, blah emotional wreck. I  am much more level headed and can handle my emotions. 

Today will be the beginning of God knows what, not getting my hopes up, but will cautiously hold out hope that this doctor will be amazing!  

Why opening up and creating bonds with people is over rated

** FAIR WARNING this is not a warm and fuzzy post, and is kind of a rant, so if you don't' want to read it please move on. **

I am sure you can tell by the title that today hasn't been a good day. About a week or so ago, I decided to open up to a family member about a medical issue I am dealing with, expecting to be met with understanding and sensitivity and instead I was greeted with a TMI type of response and that I worry too much. Not the response I was looking for at all. 

I opened up to this particular person because I feel that I can openly talk about anything and everything. I also wanted to talk to someone that wouldn't stress me out. Boy was I wrong. I had done some prior research on a doctor I wanted to see because she takes my insurance plan, or so the website stated so, I then come to learn she doesn't.

My somewhat healed broken mangled heart had slowly been on the mend and I was finally feeling confident to move in the right direction, well after being on hold for 30 minutes this afternoon, I quickly learned she wasn't. My hope, relief, and thinking and feeling that FINALLY GOD was giving me a break, had crashed and burned to the ground. It was in that instant, I felt the tears building in my eyes and I immediately shut down. I turn to my husband for support but he is not listening nor paying attention to the conversation. So that just proved my point to shut down.

I don't understand at this point in my life why GOD pushes people to the breaking point or tests their will and faith at every turn. Why must he make me suffer so much?! I have been through a lot and believe I should catch a break every once and a while, but God has other plans. He would rather see me struggle I think and punish me or something.  

So I continue to hold back my tears, even as I type this, I tell myself to shut down and not let anyone else in, I remind myself that you can't trust people, and you can only rely on yourself. So back to homework I will go,this seems to be the one constant thing I can go to that doesn't talk back or give me false hope.

I feel awful, I apologize for the rant, but I needed this. 

Why Blog?

Why blog?!

Do you ever feel like you just need a change? Shake things up a bit? Well that is exactly what I did. Sure I am on every other social media website like everyone else, but there comes a time and a moment in life when things just need to shift, you need to focus your energy and time on something else. I needed an outlet that I could really express myself in a judgment free place. So I could also escape the negativity that begins to be too much and to escape what people call junior high drama.

I don't think you need to be a prize winning author to have a blog, I think anyone who likes to write or gets tired of posting a status on facebook or twitter and getting mixed reviews back. I want to be able to share my thoughts, my high points and low points with others who may be going through the same thing.

At this point on this lovely Sunday evening, I have just finished two papers, one for my MAT/165 and GLG/101 and I have the start of a sore throat and a cold. Even though Spring is officially here in Chicago, you would never know it with the light snow we had this morning and the 60 degree weather we had two days ago. 

Marriage it's a wonderful life....how we survived the first year !

Marriage is this scared bond that mean for the rest of MY life and YOUR life I get to annoy you and you have to LOVE IT! Doesn't that sounds wonderful?! Well for the most part it is, granted we have only been  married a short time, I have been with my husband 6 years this fall. Marriage also means that I have a grown toddler who complains about why I have to clean, and not just clean, hospital ready clean as my husband says. So what if I take the couch cushions off the couch and vacuum both sides and then flip the couch over, it was how I was raised.

Marriage also means that I get to spend every day with my best friend, who is always there for me and supports my every decision. This is also the same man that sometimes I wish I could send to time out.  Our relationship is far from perfect, but that is ok who's really is?! I don't believe that every marriage is the Cleaver's, I certainly could not clean house in full make up, dress, and high heels, I have to talk myself into putting  an actual dress on when the occasion calls. This first year has come with its own set of unique challenges, moves, job changes, finishing a degree, and caring for aging family members. 

Me and the squirrel monkey on our honeymoon in Punta Cana! 

My husband with this crazy lizard also from our honeymoon in Punta Cana!